DD: Are there any other phrases anyone would like to know in German?
Random girl: No, I will not go home with you.
Danielle: Damnit! I still need to learn that one in English!
-On the fight at home first

Chris: I gotta stop partying so much. I fell asleep on the crapper today at 1:30 in the afternoon.
Jen: I've fallen asleep on the shitter before too, a couple times actually, but I was always so high I didn't know what my name was.
Chris: God I love that woman.
-On better halves

Laurie: Can we go to sleep please?
Nate: I'm trying to... but I can't.
Laurie: Why not?
Nate: How can I sleep when there is molesting to be done?!?
-On 6:30am priorities

Scoots (singing): Chriiiiiis has a very small peniiiiiis!
Chris: Hey! I have a KIND of small penis!
-On self-acceptance

Katie: Do you have anything without meat?
Waiter: Umm, well you could get just the noodles with cheese, I guess... unless you're vegan and don't eat things with a shadow.
-On taste tests

Louie: Holy God it smells like pure shit in here!!!
Random guy inside a stall: What?? You shit and it smells like flowers??
-During intermission at a basketball game

David: Yeah so I think I'm just gonna drink tonight.
Daren: I think you have a drinking problem.
David: Drinking isn't a problem, it's a solution.
-Truer words have ne'er been spoken